Computer officiates wedding, signals beginning of robot rule

By MCapri

Source - Helen A.S. Popkin

Any literate Luddite can write his own wedding vows — and not endanger the future of humankind. Instead, Miguel Hanson wrote his own minister.

Unable to get a friend to preside over Saturday's nuptials for him and fiance Diana Wesley, the Houston web developer and IT consultant went and coded a virtual minister named "Rev. Bit."

AP

Miguel Hanson, right, kisses his fiancee Diana Wesley by the computer that will soon rule us all.

"We're both friends of the computer. So it's kind of like our best friend is still marrying us,"Wesley told the Associated Press. "The computer is a huge part of our lives, so why not be a huge part of this?" 

Wesley, 30, a high school sign language teacher, and Hanson, 33, met on theSweet on Geeks dating site — which seems about right. (Why, it's as if a computer wanted them to meet ... )

The couple claim to have a shared interest over science fiction and fantasy, yet there is no mention of cyberpunk, which could explain why they figured a computer minister is perfectly safe. "That's kind of our thing," Wesley said. "In fact, my maid of honor, she's making my cake and she's making it with Nerds as the topping and not icing. That's kind of the theme, the geeked out wedding."

(Eat cakes made of colorful candy while you can, Houston lovebirds. Soon, our robot overlords will have us toiling in servo factories.)

With a voice reminiscent of one Dr. Stephen Hawking, Rev. Bit presided over the ceremony via 30-inch monitor — square face with oval glasses on one side of the screen, purportedly executing words written by Wesley and Hanson on the other. He's a bit less animated than Japan's "I-Fairy" robot which married a couple last year. But what he lacks in movement, he makes up for in danger-distracting humor.

"If anyone here has anything to say that might change their minds or has any objections, they do not want to hear it and I will not recognize your objections since Miguel has programmed me to only recognize his commands," Rev. Bit quipped to the approximately 30 wedding guests in Hanson's parents' back yard.

Leaving no room for Clippy to offer, "It looks like you're getting married..." the couple spoke their parts, reading from a smartphones, of course. Hanson prompted Rev. Bit to speak his parts via a wireless mouse in his pocket.

More ceremony than legally binding, Rev. Bit doesn't have the credentials to officially marry the couple — yet. Until the machines take over, the lovebirds must also to go to a human justice of the peace and sign some papers for that.

Going in, the couple had complete support from their friends over Rev. Bit — though not all family members were into it at first.  A couple members of the family were like, 'Really? A computer?'" Wesley said before the wedding. "I think once they see it. ... It's novel and so it's something they haven't seen."

Indeed. The video shows a glowing groom, a giggling bride standing before Rev. Bit's monitor — and your standard-issue teary-eyed guests — a must at any wedding. And who knows? Maybe all those wedding-presiding Elvis impersonators will be out of business as soon as someone programs that thing to sing.

Adorable? Sure, for now. But we all know how this ends.

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A long list of Mac Versus Window Jokes

Laugh it out

1. In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows and gates?!
2. Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
3. My SPARCstation has air condition. No need to open windows.
4. Windows 95 Source Code
5. Windows means "Work is never done on Windows systems"
6. Customer: I'm running Windows 95...
   Helpdesk: Yes...
   Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!
   Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.
7. Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
8. "Windows for dummies", another term of "this sentence no verb"
9. Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
10. IBM creates Operating Systems - MS-DOSn't
11. Have you reinstalled your Windows today?
12. How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
    1. mke2fs /dev/sda1
    2. deltree /y \
13. Windows 95 the most popular virus on the market today.
14. Windows95 - Plug and pray...
    (Bastian Kleineidam aka Calvin)
15. Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
16. Windows - a solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
17. Windows - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
    BTW: Like Unix freaks like the logout in the .login file, Windows users like the SHELL=C:\WINDOWS\SOL.EXE line in their SYSTEM.INI file. %-))
18. Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files!
19. If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?
20. "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
21. The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass..."
22. Windows =Waste in DOS WorkSpace
23. Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
24. Alt-F4. Just do it.
25. C:\ONGRTLNS.W95
26. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
27. Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine
28. Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?
29. This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows!
30. This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x
31. OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]"
32. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
33. Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x
34. Windows NT - Nice Try
35. Windows - a virus with mouse support
36. Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
37. Windows vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
38. The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
39. Microsoft is not the answer.
    Microsoft is the question.
    "No" is the answer!
40. McAfee-Question: Is Windows a virus?

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
    

    1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
    2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
    3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
    4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
    5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2.) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
    Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
    So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

41. Last words of a Windows user:
    1. Why does that work now?
    2. Where do I have to click now? - There?
    3. Guess what this icon does...
    4. Message box: "Data not completely delete? Yes - No" --- User: "No - ey - Yes"
42. Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house
43. Some windows were made to be broken
44. Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
45. Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!"
46. Bugs come in through open Windows
47. Windows '97 will also have artificial intelligence, e.g.:
    • Unable to FORMAT A: Having a go at C:
    • Can't Compress Hard Drive but don't worry I'll delete all files over size 50,000 that'll give you some space.
48. How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder!
49. Windows95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
50. Windows95: New look, same multicrashing
51. Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
52. Windows95 - Every function is a restart function...
53. Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time.
54. Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
55. Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...
56. Windows - Just another pain in the glass
57. Windows - Turn your Pentium into an XT...
58. Windows - The Gates of hell
59. Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN!
60. Windows - a XT emulator for an AT
61. If Windows sucked it would be good for something
62. DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
63. DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
64. Windows Multitasking - screwing up several things at once
65. Windows found - remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K
66. Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time!
67. If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse!
68. Microsoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
69. Are you using Windows or is that just an XT?
70. Have you crashed your Windows today?
71. Relax... you are entering a windows free zone
72. OS/2... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
73. New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
74. New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
75. My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
76. If Windows 95 doesn't start shipping soon, it might be Curtains 95.
77. Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile!
78. I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
79. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
80. I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
81. Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows...
82. Exhibitionists love Windows
83. Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven!
84. Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
85. Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
86. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
87. Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
88. Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
89. Time on your hands? Get Windows!
90. Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
91. What's the best of Windows95? The deinstaller!
92. Why is the Pentium 166 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if Windows crashed again.
93. What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? - One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
94. How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug'n'Play... they get confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk...
95. How do Microsoft employees exchange a bulb? Not at all... Bill Gates declares darkness as a standard.
96. Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
97. Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
98. Mouse not present - click twice to continue...
99. Who the fuck is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk?
100. What's the difference between windows '95 and highly destructive unstoppable virus? About 90 Megs of hard disk space.
101. Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
102. I've got two Windows hardware emulators! Really! They works much more reliable than the original: one for Windows 3.11, one for Windows95.
     Unfortunately they have superscriped the emulator keys wrongly, so that on the Windows 3.11 emulator key "TURBO" and on the Windows 95 emulator is written "RESET"... But doesn't matter, works great.
103. Windows, it's not pretty, it's not ugly, but it's pretty ugly.

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Mac Jokes | Humors | Laugh it out

What's the difference between a MAC and a bucket of cowshit?
Three pounds and a Gameboy screenWhat's the difference between a brontosaurus and a Mac?
A brontosaurus runs faster.
Why did the retarded guy buy a Mac?
What do you mean? They're all retarded!
Seriously, why do these people buy Macs?
The boxes PCs come in are too hard for them to open.
What's the difference between a turd and a Mac?
Most turds aren't gray.
Why do so many Mac users continue to use Macs?
They're afraid they'd have to pierce the other ear in order to 'switch teams', if you know what I mean...
What did the Mac hater say when he saw several hundered Macintoshes buried half-way in cement?
Geez, I hope that guy's off getting some more cement...
How do you make your Mac go faster?
Drop it from a higher window.
How can you identify a Mac user at a party?
Ask him to help you word-process on your computer. He'll instinctively pull out a magnifying glass to see the screen.
What's a sure-fire way to piss off the new neighbors?
Eject a floppy from a Mac 1,000 times. ZZerzzit! Zzerzzzit! Zzzerzzzit!...
What's the second-best way?
Restart it 1,000 times so the infamous Mac-start-up-chime blasts forth from the speaker, or until they call the cops.
Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
They would be, if they had a computer.
How do you make a Mac run faster?
Smoke some marijuana just before using it, to alter your perception of time. There will be a noticeable speed increase, not only of the Mac but any clocks in the room as well. Now that's performance!
What's the difference between an Apple Lisa (predecessor of MAC) and a Game Boy?
Game boy has more memory and a higher-res screen, and greater color depth: 4 shades of green!
Why don't more Mac users get depressed about owning a Mac and commit suicide?
They don't know how shitty their machine is, because they still haven't figured out how to turn it ON.
How do you recognize a Mac user at a computer store?
When he's asking the salesperson how much it would cost him to upgrade to a 33.6 Kbps transfer speed--and then realize he's referring to the hard drive.
How do you make a Mac disk drive access faster?
Wind it up again
What do you do with an obsolete Mac?
Whatever you do, don't pick it up off the store shelf and buy it!
How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

Why aren't there more Macintosh SE's in use out there?
Too hard to find replacement tubes. (see below...)

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